????

Currently caught in a state of confusion.  While so much of this routine seems...well routine, I am still in shock that this has become my life again.  The repercussions of chemo are starting to set in again-the metallic taste, weakness, exhaustion, bald head.  I figured that since I had been through all of these before that it would be easier since I knew what to expect.  But the truth is I had forgotten-or rather blocked out-how debilitating this whole experience is.   Where it seems that every minute of my life is on hold again and not knowing when the play button will be hit again.  Is it after this initial six rounds of chemo, will it be when I go back to work, will it be...???

I am also in a state of total befuddlement to explain the unexplainable...cancer TWICE before the age of 37-WTF!!  How can I be terminally ill when I feel fine?  How did they misdiagnose the liver cancer when I got tested six months ago?  Will my cats out live me? 

In the end, while I sit here on my couch with Oli and Sven all I do know (and need to know) is that in the immortal words of my sister, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

Fuck!

I don't mean to offend but honestly that is the only word that continues to come to mind since I was told on Tuesday that not only is the cancer back but it's Stage 4...incurable.  This year would have meant that I had been in remission for five years, which is the usual benchmark for being cancer free.  Even more devastating is that I had finally achieved what I had spent five years trying to get back to-three months ago I started my dream job and was finally making plans to go to Turks and Caicos (the trip was something I promised my best friend the day I originally got diagnosed back in 2007).  It seems that my life had been put on hold for five years trying to recooperate from the original diagnosis and the irony of being diagnosed when I finally felt that my life had moved on-well that's what keeps leading back to FUCK!!

I am still reeling from the news and will hopefully have more eloquent emotions to express as I start this journey...again.  I appreciated all the love and support that I received through the following of my last blog and know that this will be my greatest therapy to kicking cancers gluteus maximus!

So stay tuned...